The Prayer of the Inclusionist

HT to Melvin over at Pulpit Pimps for this one…


Many of us in “blog minstry” know regular reader (and contributor) GaryV. He always brings sage wisdom to the comment threads, and he made the “touch not God’s anointed” crowd spin on their eyebrows and spit wooden nickles with his excellent exegesis scripture.

Well folks, GaryV is back at it. Since President King Obama decided to have openly gay “bishop” Vickie Gene Robinson offer an opening prayer during one of the inauguration events anointing and ascension services a few weeks ago, GaryV just had to offer his own version of an inclusionist prayer that would make the “can’t we all just get along” crowd warm and fuzzy (make sure you watch the video or read the original prayer’s text to get the context of GaryV’s version below):

Oh wonderful and merciful God/Godess/Divinity in transition from God to Godess through holy gender reassignment,

We humbly beseech Thee to bless us with the end of tears by removing the sting of body and eyebrow waxing.

Bless us with anger for the outrageous prices we are being charged to have Jennifer Lopez’s Grammy Award presentation gown reproduced in a men’s size XXL.

Bless us with discomfort whenever we hear the Bible, lest it penetrate our heart directly through our silicone implants.

Bless us with patience for hateful, bigoted, and sexually repressed Christians who want to keep us from legal and loving unions with the same sex. Or multiple partners. Or children under 3. Or different species.

Bless us with humility, that we might bow before any god….Allah, Vishnu, Xenu, President Obama….except the One in the Bible.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance, that we may warmly embrace and openly celebrate everything deemed an abomination in Scripture while still calling ourselves followers of Christ.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion’s God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community rather than by some antiquated and repulsive acceptance of a Blood sacrifice for sins. And in Your relativism, let us ignore the 1.5 million vulnerable lives we destroy each year, offering them on our own bloody altar of selfishness.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack as he assumes the office of President of the United States. And we thank You that your Messiah Obama has already repealed the oppressive ban on funding abortions overseas, along with a promise to repeal any ban on abortions in these United States (including partial birth abortions).

Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln’s reconciling leadership style (but not his love of Scripture), President Kennedy’s ability to enlist our best efforts (as well as his moral degeneracy), and Dr. King’s dream of a nation for ALL the people (along with his delicious denials of Christ’s Deity, the Atonement of the Cross, the Virgin Birth, and the Inspiration of Scripture).

Give him a quiet heart, lest he hear his own heart’s condemnation which The God of Scripture graciously sends to bring repentance and obedience to Christ. For that would truly suck, oh Amorphous And Non-Specific Deity.


Well, this time GaryV even left me speechless.

Priceless…oh, and I’ll forward all of your hatemail to GaryV directly – he enjoy’s dissecting that kind of stuff.

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4 Responses to “The Prayer of the Inclusionist”

  1. 1 Melvin Jones February 4, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Glad we could be of assistnace.

    All hate mail is read at least twice before we print it out and cermonially flush it down the toilet. The hardest part of the ceremony is getting my dot matrix printer to work with toilet paper. It keeps ripping the paper up as it prints.

  2. 3 Pastor Jim February 4, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    GaryV way to go! Leaves all sorts of splinters where that lightning struck! BAM!

  3. 4 hiscrivener February 5, 2009 at 7:26 am

    I find removing the plug from my trusty printer usually helps it all go down easier.

    That prayer? WOW! It renders about as dumbfounded as that single mother of six who just had octuplets, hired a publicist… and wants more?!

    Yeah, that’s what that prayer did for me. 🙂

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